2 months ago I published a blog after a year and a half of silence. I promised to share the learnings from my life experience of having a spouse live with and die from cancer. I first wrote about how to help those in need and now want this next post to be about caregiving. But every time I think about how I can help other caregivers I get major writer’s block. First and foremost, how do you define caregiver?
Who is a caregiver?
Aren’t we all caregivers at some point? Whether you babysat as a kid or grew up to have kids or pets, you are providing care. If you work in a school, hospital, or nursing home, you are providing care. These are the caregiving jobs we choose. I chose to have children and dogs and to become a pediatrician. Becoming a caregiver to a sick spouse, however, was a job given to me. If you suddenly find yourself in a similar situation, I want you to know you are not alone. I will do my best to offer some words of wisdom to you, knowing there is not one right way to be a caregiver to someone you love.
My advice to caregivers
I once tweeted that caregiving is a 24 hour/day job that you don’t get paid for and the only time you get off is to go to the job you do get paid for. Needless to say it’s exhausting. Sometimes it’s a sprint and sometimes it’s a marathon. You have to stay on your toes and be prepared to pivot at anytime. Plans get changed and some things get sacrificed. Often you sacrifice your own well-being.
I wish I had some really profound advice to make this better for you. The truth is I can only tell you what I learned. Some of these things I wish I had done more of, especially taking more time off of work. My husband always said I should work while I can, knowing in the end I would not be able to. Honestly, sometimes I stayed home because I was out of energy. I had nothing left to give.
What I learned:
- Know your options from your employer and understand your rights under the Family Medical Leave Act
- Take as much time off as you can afford, even if your loved one is doing well, you will need it for yourself
- Do not be afraid to accept help or reach out for help, build your team of people you can rely on
- Take time for yourself, even if it’s only a few minutes per day
- Try not to rely on your older kids, let them be kids
- Continue your normal routines; haircuts, doctor appointments, exercise
There will be times when you feel guilty. When it feels selfish to work out. When you feel pressure to be at work. When it feels abnormal to take care of yourself knowing you have a future self to think of when your loved one does not. I’ve felt all of these things and I’m going to assume that it’s very normal. But remember, if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to care for those who need you.