Being a mom is a tough job. A working mom? Even tougher. Add to that being a physician mom, a career that is highly time consuming and inflexible, and that’s a pretty tough gig. Sometimes we give so much to our patients that at the end of the day there isn’t always much left for everyone else. We have to put on our bravest face when we walk through the door so we can take care of our families too.
While lots of days were busy and exhausting when my kids were younger, I never felt like I was failing them, or anyone for that matter. Before the days of EMR (electronic medical record), when I was home, I was truly home. With a 4 day per week work schedule and 6 weekends a year, I had plenty of time for PTA, volunteering in the classroom, attending school functions, driving carpool, getting the kids to activities and Hebrew school, and generally feeling like I could make it all work. My husband, a teacher, had the flexibility I didn’t have. He could pick up a sick child, be available after school and was off work on the minor holidays when school is closed but the pediatrician’s office is open.
When we went onto EMR I started to bring work home, which meant I was more distracted but it seemed manageable. Two years later I made my move to my current office. I was less busy and closer to home so there was a definite lifestyle improvement. However, with it came more responsibility because I was hired to be the Lead Physician of the office and elected to the Board of Directors for the group. Leadership brought with it more work and time away, but also a sense of pride and accomplishment. Plus, I was building a new practice so I began all of the marketing, social media and branding that you see today. You can read more about that process here. With my kids becoming more independent and my husband able to do everything I wasn’t available for, I felt like it was truly possible to do it all. I always joked that my husband would pick up my slack. In reality, it’s not that I was slacking, it’s that he is an amazing dad and supportive husband and I wouldn’t be where I am in my career without him.
In March of 2018 everything changed. Early on a Monday morning while seeing my first 2 patients I was getting messages that my husband likely had colon cancer and I had to get to the hospital right away. It was the first time in my career that I left patients in rooms, abandoned a full schedule and, with the support of my partners and office manager, walked out. The next few days were unbearable, as you can imagine. The only thing that made it less unbearable was canceling the rest of the week at work. It freed me up to be there for the first doctor appointment, to make a treatment plan and have the hard conversations with the kids, our family, and our friends. It was the first time that I didn’t put career first and it was honestly the best thing for me.
Once I returned to work, life had taken such a 180 degree turn that everything was different. I suddenly felt like I was supposed to be somewhere else at all times. When at work, I felt like I was supposed to be home with my husband, going with him to chemo and talking to the doctors first hand. Every buzz that signaled a message gave me anxiety that there was more bad news or he didn’t feel well. On top of that, I started to worry that I wasn’t there for the kids. Even though they were teens and relatively self-sufficient, they didn’t always have a parent available when dad was resting or unwell. There were days that I arrived home from work to find the house was dark and no one had eaten. My heart was breaking. This is when I knew I couldn’t actually do it all. Even when I was at home where did I feel like I should be? You guessed it, at work. I would check my in basket messages and respond to emails, all during a time when I should be focusing on family or myself. To me, even self care just meant ignoring all of my other responsibilities that were still going to be there when I got back.
The good news is, we made it work. That year between 12 rounds of chemo, major liver surgery in Houston (thank you MD Anderson) and a freak appendicitis, we still made it to Baltimore for my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah, took a trip to Hawaii and saw our favorite band 7 times (the most in 1 year since the 90’s!). We capped off the year with my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah surrounded by friends and family. I also learned to say no and to stop feeling guilty when I couldn’t make it to meetings or add more to my plate.
With the final surgery in sight and the thought of putting cancer in the rear view mirror, I re-applied for my Lead Physician position and my Board seat. I even ran and was elected to an executive committee at the American Academy of Pediatrics. In early 2019 our group finally decided to make Director of Marketing a position so of course I ran for that and now I have a new title, as well as a new job that I mostly do on my day off.
Well, cancer has a mind of it’s own and doesn’t go away quietly. A stubborn tumor in the liver grew back so another treatment was performed. As luck would have it, the procedure was done the day before I was to leave for a Board of Directors retreat so cue the wife guilt. But it went well and the rest of summer was fairly quiet. The treatment seemed to work so we planned a family trip to Europe for the fall. Wouldn’t you know it, cancer had other ideas. So in for a different treatment we went to get rid of that same stubborn liver tumor. The recovery was rough at first but symptoms seemed to calm down after a few weeks. We went off on our Europe trip as planned. Unfortunately, while we were away, my husband started having really bad intermittent pain. Once we got home there was a whirlwind of hospitalizations, procedures, infections, uncertainties, more missed days at work and the return of chemo.
So here I am in February 2020, working essentially 2 jobs while my husband is on chemo and my teen kids have places to go, things to do and friends to see. I’m trying to balance it all while also leaving time for myself but at any given moment, something is being ignored (clearly, since this is my first post in 2 months). I worry about the impact my absence has on my colleagues and my patients when I need to be out of the office. Emails go unread and work goes undone until I can find the time. My social media definitely takes a back seat as well. I worry about how things are at home while I’m at work, so I try to leave soon after patients are done and phone calls are returned. This means charting at home. While I try to be totally available to the kids when I’m home, the exhaustion of flu season and charts to close means it’s not an easy task.
I’m lucky that my colleagues are incredibly supportive and my kids are amazing and fairly independent. My son drives which takes the school commute off of our plates. My husband is doing well and is able to be available between treatments. We also have friends and family that help out a lot and give us a ton of love and support.
One thing that has been incredibly hard is that I know my teen daughter needs me now more than when she was younger. In many ways, having teens is harder than having preschoolers. My goal is to have quality time with her every day, even on the days when I have nothing left to give. I’m also trying to teach her to understand that I have my needs as well. I’ll let you know when I figure this all out.
I decided that while I’m trying to figure out how to do it all without failing, I wanted to write this post and give you all insight into my experience. Not just for the therapeutic effect of finally admitting that I’m not perfect and I’m not really Wonder Woman, but for the moms out there who think they always need to be perfect. I see moms day in and day out who just want to know how to do it perfectly. The answer is there isn’t an answer. There is no perfect way to parent! We all have our things going on, our own needs, and our own priorities. Everyone’s parenting experience is different. I’m giving you permission to say “no” to being room parent if you don’t have the time. Turn down a committee or project request if it takes you away from your family more than you’d like. Give yourself a break if your kids eat boxed mac and cheese or take-out most days of the week. You’re doing your best. Show them love and the importance of hard work, responsibility and commitment. But don’t feel like everything you do has to be perfect or even has to be like everyone else. The reality is, the more things you are juggling, the less attention each thing gets and that’s ok. The important thing is that you are keeping them in the air.
